Saturday, February 19, 2011

I just read a line in a book recently

that said some people like to keep things private and close to themselves while others are like an open book, feeling the need to share everything, every little detail.

Well, I am the open book.

Last 4th of July, Patrick and I were thrilled to find out we were expecting! We were up at the cabin and within a few days we shared the news with the 20 or so relatives that were there. It was great fun! The rest of the summer went by pretty non-eventful, with the exception of some pretty wretched morning sickness. The worst I've ever had.

Towards the end of August I went in to the doc for a check-up and they could not find a heartbeat. I was 11 weeks pregnant. The baby had died. I showed no signs of miscarriage and all signs of pregnancy so it was a pretty big surprise. I went in to the hospital a day later for a D&C. I was terrified of the procedure. I asked the lady for "extra" drugs. She must have complied because I was as high as a kite and felt nothing. Patrick stayed next to me the entire time. I walked out of the hospital an hour or two later and had very little after-effects nor memory of the procedure.

The way fate would have it, the very next day Patrick and I were scheduled to fly out to Jackson Hole, WY. I was to be a bridesmaid in my close friend Jono's wedding. We went. I was surrounded by the beauty of the mountains, great great comfy old friends and a festive atmosphere. It was the perfect thing to do. All of my friends there knew what had happened. A few had suffered similar losses. I did everything I couldn't do when I was pregnant. I danced danced danced for hours. I drank wine and cocktails. I ate sushi. It was a riot. It felt good.

The next few months sorta flew by. We quickly got back into our old social routine. We went to Madison for a Badger game. We went to Lambeau for a Packer game. We ran a 5k. We sent Cy to Grandma and Grandpa's and stayed up late with our friends at a Halloween party. I also concentrated on exercising and trying (albiet unsuccessfully) to lose a bit of the weight I had gained over the summer.

It took quite a bit of time to become "not-pregnant." Apparently my body did not want to get rid of its pregnancy hormones. A little over two months after the D&C, I had my first "not-pregnant" test result. Up until then I was still technically pregnant (hormone-wise.) I tell you this because only a mere three weeks after my first "not-pregnant" results, I got a "pregnant" result! It was towards the end of November. It was sooo exciting! This time we were a lot more cautious and only shared our news with a few people.

December went by pretty smoothly. We went to my hometown for a week over Christmas and New Years. On the way home we stopped at a gas station and I discovered that I was heavily bleeding. (Sorry, TMI!) It was absolutely terrifying. I walked out of the gas station bathroom just sobbing. I just KNEW we had lost another one. We were two hours from home still. The two hours went by in a blur. Mostly I just stared out the window.

We went straight to my doctor's office and I had an ultrasound. The baby was still alive!!!! However there was also a large "clot" of blood in my uterus hanging out next to the baby. It is called a Subchorionic Hemorrage (SCH.) I have to say that I still do not know a lot about them. I never ever googled it. I didn't want to. No one knows for sure why some women get them. Basically once you have one it will either: a) reabsorb b) bleed out and hopefully not lose baby in the process or c) just stay there until birth with or without complications. The level of danger of a SCH depends on its size, location and level of activity. Sorry to be a bit dramatic but I can tell you that mine made me feel like I had a ticking time bomb inside of me. The next month CRAWLED by.

Since mine was fairly large and active I was placed on semi-bed rest for the next two weeks. I could get up to go to the bathroom, make a sandwich, etc. My parents came up and basically took care of Cy for those two weeks. I was really lucky to have their help. After the two weeks had passed I went back in. Unfortunately the SCH had not changed for the better. Fortunately the baby still looked good. I could do light activity. For the next couple of weeks I took it SUPER easy and had a lot of help from Patrick's parents. We also had friends bringing meals and coffee and magazines. It was a good feeling to have my friends and family put in such efforts to help our family as we were overwhelmed. Poor Patrick still carried the lion's share of responsibilities.

So that brings me to now. A week and a half ago I went in and poof!!! the SCH was gone! My world has changed. And now I am starting to believe that we are really having a baby! We are just thrilled!! We moved a week ago into a new house. I will post pictures and more details about our move in a few days.

I want to write a bit more to explain why I am sharing this all now.
There are a few reasons.

The largest reason is that I do not want to "move on" and celebrate this new baby without recognizing the one we lost. If I were simply to announce I was pregnant it just would not feel right. I want all of my friends and family to know that Patrick & I & Cy have another little member of our family, a little soul, that we will always remember. That baby would have been born in just a few weeks from now.

Secondly I am that "open book" person. I believe that sharing my story strengthens my relationship with you -- my friends and family.

Thirdly - if you have a miscarriage or a SCH or you know someone who has and want to talk about it, I am here. To me, miscarriages still seem like something women are hiding. I can understand that too. I did not choose to tell people about it right away either. I was scared of the pressure it would cause. Pressure to be "healed" when maybe I wasn't ready. Pressure to try again.

I realize though that nothing is guaranteed. Just because I am now 16+ weeks and out of the first trimester and SCH high-risk categories does not guarantee we will be having a baby. No matter what though, I am glad that I can use my own little corner of the internet to share my story with those I love. You! Thank you for reading my story.

My next post below is something written by another woman who experienced a loss.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

What a tumultuous time this last 8 months has been for you all. So many emotions, so much change, so much anxiety!!
Thanks for having the courage to write about your journey and your loss. Thanks for sharing with all of us.
We love you!