Monday, February 28, 2011

Rebirth

Seriously. I feel like I am experiencing a rebirth. I am back in action. Off bed rest. Not living in SCH fear. No more secrets! Back to music class, play dates, playing outside, dinner with friends and life! Got the green light to exercise. And, best of all, waking up in a new sunshiney, happy house.
I had such a great response to my last post - an outpouring of friends/family all writing encouraging comments and sending love. I don't usually look at this site's stats but this past week my site had over 150 unique visitors! That's a lot of people reading our story. Crazy. Patrick and I sent out an email to not even a fifth that many people. We feel very loved. And blessed of course. Thank you to all who responded.
Onto our big move:

Cy saying goodbye to the ole condo

Helping us pack & get ready for moving. His "moving truck."

The new house on move-in day! It is a rental. We signed a year lease. As long as we like it - we hope to stay a lot longer than that!


Jackson on move-in day


Cy ready to go play out in his new yard


Jackson out in the new yard



My parents came up and stayed with us for about a week. They did soooo much. They started working when they woke up and worked all the way til Cy's bedtime. It was exhausting. This is one of the more incredible things McGuiver (my dad) did. The queen boxspring wouldn't fit through the stairs down to the guest room. I found online directions on how to split the boxspring, move it and then put it back together. Sure enough he did it and it worked perfectly!

The beginnings of Cy's playroom

The living room. Coming along slowly but surely.

The view out the sunroom (possibly future nursery?) to the backyard. Cy calls it the "cold room" because we have the vent shut and the french doors to the room shut.


Our bedroom. Also a work in progress.
So a week from today (Monday) will be our big ultrasound. The one that takes an hour. They make sure everything looks good. It's usually the last ultrasound you get. And it's where they let us know the sex (like I said before though - they were 90% sure it is a boy.) After that we are going to tell Cy that he is going to be a big brother!
See you in a week with a full report!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

I just read a line in a book recently

that said some people like to keep things private and close to themselves while others are like an open book, feeling the need to share everything, every little detail.

Well, I am the open book.

Last 4th of July, Patrick and I were thrilled to find out we were expecting! We were up at the cabin and within a few days we shared the news with the 20 or so relatives that were there. It was great fun! The rest of the summer went by pretty non-eventful, with the exception of some pretty wretched morning sickness. The worst I've ever had.

Towards the end of August I went in to the doc for a check-up and they could not find a heartbeat. I was 11 weeks pregnant. The baby had died. I showed no signs of miscarriage and all signs of pregnancy so it was a pretty big surprise. I went in to the hospital a day later for a D&C. I was terrified of the procedure. I asked the lady for "extra" drugs. She must have complied because I was as high as a kite and felt nothing. Patrick stayed next to me the entire time. I walked out of the hospital an hour or two later and had very little after-effects nor memory of the procedure.

The way fate would have it, the very next day Patrick and I were scheduled to fly out to Jackson Hole, WY. I was to be a bridesmaid in my close friend Jono's wedding. We went. I was surrounded by the beauty of the mountains, great great comfy old friends and a festive atmosphere. It was the perfect thing to do. All of my friends there knew what had happened. A few had suffered similar losses. I did everything I couldn't do when I was pregnant. I danced danced danced for hours. I drank wine and cocktails. I ate sushi. It was a riot. It felt good.

The next few months sorta flew by. We quickly got back into our old social routine. We went to Madison for a Badger game. We went to Lambeau for a Packer game. We ran a 5k. We sent Cy to Grandma and Grandpa's and stayed up late with our friends at a Halloween party. I also concentrated on exercising and trying (albiet unsuccessfully) to lose a bit of the weight I had gained over the summer.

It took quite a bit of time to become "not-pregnant." Apparently my body did not want to get rid of its pregnancy hormones. A little over two months after the D&C, I had my first "not-pregnant" test result. Up until then I was still technically pregnant (hormone-wise.) I tell you this because only a mere three weeks after my first "not-pregnant" results, I got a "pregnant" result! It was towards the end of November. It was sooo exciting! This time we were a lot more cautious and only shared our news with a few people.

December went by pretty smoothly. We went to my hometown for a week over Christmas and New Years. On the way home we stopped at a gas station and I discovered that I was heavily bleeding. (Sorry, TMI!) It was absolutely terrifying. I walked out of the gas station bathroom just sobbing. I just KNEW we had lost another one. We were two hours from home still. The two hours went by in a blur. Mostly I just stared out the window.

We went straight to my doctor's office and I had an ultrasound. The baby was still alive!!!! However there was also a large "clot" of blood in my uterus hanging out next to the baby. It is called a Subchorionic Hemorrage (SCH.) I have to say that I still do not know a lot about them. I never ever googled it. I didn't want to. No one knows for sure why some women get them. Basically once you have one it will either: a) reabsorb b) bleed out and hopefully not lose baby in the process or c) just stay there until birth with or without complications. The level of danger of a SCH depends on its size, location and level of activity. Sorry to be a bit dramatic but I can tell you that mine made me feel like I had a ticking time bomb inside of me. The next month CRAWLED by.

Since mine was fairly large and active I was placed on semi-bed rest for the next two weeks. I could get up to go to the bathroom, make a sandwich, etc. My parents came up and basically took care of Cy for those two weeks. I was really lucky to have their help. After the two weeks had passed I went back in. Unfortunately the SCH had not changed for the better. Fortunately the baby still looked good. I could do light activity. For the next couple of weeks I took it SUPER easy and had a lot of help from Patrick's parents. We also had friends bringing meals and coffee and magazines. It was a good feeling to have my friends and family put in such efforts to help our family as we were overwhelmed. Poor Patrick still carried the lion's share of responsibilities.

So that brings me to now. A week and a half ago I went in and poof!!! the SCH was gone! My world has changed. And now I am starting to believe that we are really having a baby! We are just thrilled!! We moved a week ago into a new house. I will post pictures and more details about our move in a few days.

I want to write a bit more to explain why I am sharing this all now.
There are a few reasons.

The largest reason is that I do not want to "move on" and celebrate this new baby without recognizing the one we lost. If I were simply to announce I was pregnant it just would not feel right. I want all of my friends and family to know that Patrick & I & Cy have another little member of our family, a little soul, that we will always remember. That baby would have been born in just a few weeks from now.

Secondly I am that "open book" person. I believe that sharing my story strengthens my relationship with you -- my friends and family.

Thirdly - if you have a miscarriage or a SCH or you know someone who has and want to talk about it, I am here. To me, miscarriages still seem like something women are hiding. I can understand that too. I did not choose to tell people about it right away either. I was scared of the pressure it would cause. Pressure to be "healed" when maybe I wasn't ready. Pressure to try again.

I realize though that nothing is guaranteed. Just because I am now 16+ weeks and out of the first trimester and SCH high-risk categories does not guarantee we will be having a baby. No matter what though, I am glad that I can use my own little corner of the internet to share my story with those I love. You! Thank you for reading my story.

My next post below is something written by another woman who experienced a loss.

understanding loss

This is taken from another girl's blog.
These are not my words. However, a lot (not all!) of them ring true. -Jill


~20 Things Those Who've Suffered a Loss Wish People Would Understand~
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never say my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my

baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it happens to me again.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Exciting news today!

Hello world, I'm pregnant!

Ahhh that felt good to say outloud. And besides a small handful of people,we haven't told anyone else! You are the first to know! It's been a bit of a long journey to get to this point and I fully intend on writing every detail of that journey here. However, that will have to wait. You see we also moved on Friday and all of our time has been consumed with it. I do not even know where my beloved camera is at this point so pictures will have to wait too! Here are a few baby details: I'm due the first week of August and the plan is to have a repeat csection a week prior to that - so baby would be born at the end of July. I should just start calling baby a "he" now because the tech was 90% certain it's a boy! We will know for sure in a few weeks when I have a more detailed ultrasound. Hmmm... I think that's about it for now! I will have ultrasound pics, new house (rental) pics and the full story right here within the next week! I'm soooo happy to be telling you our news!!!!!